Hi, it's you again.

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I refuse to be a burden to anyone. I never like bothering others with my problems. I really do not want them to feel like they need to be there for me. I just feel like the things I feel are so insignificant and that I don’t deserve to have people there for me. I really don’t know why. I don’t want to make people unhappy so I leave myself to drown in my problems and thoughts and it just gets to this point where I don’t even know what I am anymore because I’m so busy trying to cover up everything that makes me feel like a piece of shit and I just don’t know. I just want to be okay with myself and I’m not. 

Filed under sorry for posting too much

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I try to explain myself with simple terms with as little words as possible and it never once comes out right I just end up saying a bunch of confusing and meaningless things that I don’t understand myself even.

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I need outlets. That’s just me. That’s the kind of person I am. I need better ones than this. I need a better place that let’s me be me.

Do you ever start to just question why you do things the way you do or why you like things to be a certain way? I can’t tell sometimes if I’m making mistakes by doing some things. I’m just asking if it’s wrong. I’m saying that only because I’m not sure. I really never know who to ask. I hate being the one to let others down. I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to say all the bad things but those are the only things on my mind lately. Of course I tried to make it all right but you can only lie to yourself about certain things for a limited time. Have I just been insecure and lost and scared? I think I am. I know it’s easy for some people to dissociate and adjust quickly to new things but I’m still trying so hard to be okay all by myself here and happy. I keep saying I can deal with it and that I am okay with it but I don’t think I can ever be.

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I feel like life is just one big constant battle to be content, to feel like everything is right for once. Every time things become slightly better you can find another reason why it is not. You have these intermission periods where it seems like things are as they should be and perhaps they will stay that way for a while. You will want to preserve those feelings but things clutter on top of one another and you find yourself wondering when your happy period ended and how you ended up back where you started again. But that’s just me.

I don’t know how life just keeps creating more problems as it goes.

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I’m back tracking,
I feel like I’ve already
been around this side of town
and I remember exactly
how it feels to be this way.